Jack Thompson is the universally ridiculed, self-appointed legal arbiter of morality in the videogaming industry; an attorney with a near uniformally failed track record, an irreverent and irrelevant empty-suit poseur whom seeks to make a profit out of tapping into the inherently fascistic psychological repository observed in liberalism, a philosophical outlook that desires to absolve parents of any concept of personal responsibility and oversight over what kind of media their children consume, in lieu of Orwellian consumer statism, wherein some board somewhere has the sole capacity to sanction what the children of America can and cannot watch. He’s an extremely dangerous and unscrupulous demagogue, but the reason you may never have heard of him testifies to how incredibly little traction, power, or influence this sorry dolt actually wields. He shows up on the news every now and then in coordination with the latest videogame release, slobbering on about how appalling it is to him that such things are sold, but no one really pays him any attention, and for good reason.

Well, he’s back in the news again somewhat, and this time in a particularly ludicrous fashion. Grand Theft Auto IV was released yesterday to tumultuous and undifferentiated acclaim and accolade, its been adorned perfect scores from gaming critic outlets across the board, and its been hailed as one of the most expansive, sophisticated, organic and dynamic video entertainment experiences ever designed. In all honesty, these games have never really been my cup of tea, but I’ve always had my respect for them; yeah yeah, you can solicit hookers and all the rest, but if our culture can revel at the sight of cerebral pornography the likes of the unforgivable ilk on MTV, or watch people being graphically eviscerated limb from limb in every new B horror movie, then pixel-sex is tame, at least for those of us who are equipped with fully developed cortexes.

Enter Mr. Thompson, who, in some sort of act of visceral rage at his complete incapacity to not only ban this game, but any of the previous installments in the GTA franchise altogether, has sent a letter to the mother of Strauss Zeinick, CEO of Take-Two Interactive, the game’s publisher. This is really too much, just Pythonian absurdity: what, is he approaching a corporacte executive’s mom as some sort of threatening gesture? Or is this a replication of what little kids did when they were in grade school (Thompson certainly has the brain of a whiny little racketeering self-righteous 8 year old starving of attention), literally “tattling” one someone’s mother? is this supposed to be an elaborate ploy to embarass Mr. Zeinick? Or, even more farcically, is Thompson trying to “plead” with the woman, impelling her to “reason” with her son?

Well, here’s one comedian’s interpretation. The ever-hilarious libertarian-minded online satirist extraordinaire Peter Coffin has come up with something I think likely accurately portrays Thompson’s underlying motives.

Come on Jack, you’ve already been disbarred, discredited, and forever immortalized as an object of infinite mockery and loathing by the vast majority of people who even recognize your name. You’re a fraud and a joke as a lobbyist, a complete bust as a lawyer and a failure as a human being. You’re a vapid and unscrupulous moron that barely matters and the very essence of your being and the mission you represent is infinitely more offensive and objectionable than the materials you endeavor to eradicate. The parents of America don’t need anyone dictating to them what their children are subjected to, those of us whom still regard the Constitution as the highest law of the land also believe in a little something that may be foreign to a simian lackey like yourself: personal responsibility. If kids get corrupted by violent videogames or sex-saturated movies or what have you, its the bankruptcy of the traditional, morally-accountable and nurturing family that is to blame. And part of the reason parents have become so lax and acquiescent in the raising of their own children is because of liberal fascist bastards like you who profess that they’ll do their job for them, that the cultivation of moral discernment is the responsibility of not families, but some bureaucratic minion of the state.

So not only are you an abject mediocre person in every respect, but you’re also causing the disintegration of the American family structure as a whole. Go ahead and do us all a big favor: censor yourself.

(By the way, the Ayn Rand reference wasn’t explicit or intentional, but it just so happens you share the name of Atlas Shrugged’s antagonist “Mr. Thompson”, whom also happens to be a low-life champion of statism. To think, you’re being regarded in such prolific literary company. Its the biggest honor you could ever hope to receive.)

Damn it there you go, Stallone and Schwarzenegger. He now has the endorsement of Rambo and Rocky and Terminator and “Dutch” Schaefer. If the raw logistics and facts of the matter weren’t enough to convince you to vote for the only man with the credentials and experience to move this country forward in the transcendent geopolitical struggle of our time, at least let the fact that you’re not a man if you don’t know exactly, without even a particle of equivocation or inhibition who you’re voting for convince you.

In all seriousness, this really is just too perfect, I’ve been a huge Stallone fan all my life, the entire Rocky series collectively represents a touchstone, sheer magnum opus, flawlessly executed piece of filmographic genius. First Blood is point-blank the greatest action film ever made, and the recently released Rambo IV (I refuse to refer to it by its admittedly nonsensical name…First Blood -> Rambo: First Blood II -> Rambo III -> Rambo? What the hell? And Stallone said the latest might not even be the last one, so what the hell is the fifth movie in the franchise going to be called, Rambo II?!) is absolutely brilliant, even at 60 John Rambo is one uncrossable killing machine.

His films have always reverberated with a resounding sense of patriotic love and exaltation of America, contempt and disdain for bureacracy and ungrateful liberals, confident and proud affirmations of this country’s brilliance and the fact that while it has made mistakes in the past, civilization wouldn’t last 5 seconds in this fural and carnivorous planet without it. Its good to know that such a formidable creative force, independent and unmired by the disgusting pseudo-intellectual idioms of the Hollywood left, is on our side. But all this does beg the phrase, “they just don’t make em’ like they used to”.

Back in the ’40s, a new comic book character saw his inception, Captain America. He actually templated the archetypal all-American hero, he defined it, and he was awesome. He kicked Nazi ass without hesitance nor remorse, he was uncompelled by the relativistic banter of anti-war detractors, he distinguished a clear, ideological dichotomy between right and wrong and acted upon it. He was proud to be an American, and brandished his iconic shield with valor and permeated his every action with stunning pride in what he was doing.

Then came the sixties, and with it the New Society regressive-collectivist philosophy, and a newly deformed Captain America. Exit right the sterling knight of liberty defending his country from the forces of evil, and enter left the emotionally-distraught, morally-confused, self-doubt ridden Captain “Not So Proud to Be” America, drifting through inner-city ghettos, ashamed and disgraced of his shield, posing such idiotically-artifical philosophical inquires as “maybe I should have fought less and questioned more?” and other such multiculturalist moral relativism inspired liberal drivel.

This is emblematic of the apparent demise of the objectivist, unapologetically heroic, pro-American synoptical protagonist and the rise of the sinisterly masochistic, flagranlty anti-patriotic fatalistic garbage the vulgar parasitic frauds and charlatans of the Hollywood elite have been regurgitating the bast dccade. Audiences haven’t “cheered for the good guy” ina long time, how can they? When most of the politically-centric films the likes of Lions for Lambs, Rendition, and Redacted portray Islamic fundamentalists as the “courageous, beleagured heroes” and Americans as “evil, corporatist, Christo-fascist villains”, what the hell is the response supposed to be? For good reason all these films have been stupendous box-office blunders, but the fact remains generally the only time anyone actually feels for the heroes and cheers for the victory is while they’re watching sequels to old movies that were framed under this classic formula.

America needs to return to movies portraying the unambiguated struggle between good and evil, championing a self-assertive, steadfast, and headstrong citizenry actually fighting for real justice; Rambo, Rocky, Die Hard, and of course the mighty Death Wish. We’ve seen great sequels to all of these excluding Death Wish, and Stallone is purportedly planning a remake of that. But we need more, we need a full psychological and philosophical re-configuration in the American literati and cinematographic community. Only then are we going to see a serious change in the aperture by which the public perceives the world.

Here’s hoping McCain, whom perfectly embodies everything great about America and its culture, will run up the Philadelphia steps. It’d sure make one hell of a Rocky-esque American triumph story, and god knows with all the trash we’re subjected to now in both movies and the body politic, we need one.

The Beatles often are afforded, in my humble opinion far too much, extravagant bouts of affectionate accolade, exaltation and praise, commonly characterized as the “pioneers of rock”, the “greatest band of all time” and various other mythical formulations. As previously suggested, its been my belief that these grandiose interpretations of a musical outfit that, once objectively analyzed and stripped of all nostalgic framings and circumstantial evidential fluff is essentially quite non-extraordinary and even at times outright mediocre in terms of melodic instrumental orchestration and lyrical prowess, are rather wasted.

Yes, The Beatles were ahead of their time in many regards, they acted as catalystic jump-starts for the nascent advancement of serious studio recording technology, and were the first musical troupe to perform at the traditionally martial arts centric Nippon Budokan in Tokyo, paving the way for legendary “Live at Budokan” concerts by giants such as Ozzy Osbourne or Dream Theater. And of course theres scarcely a human being who fancies themself a music afficianado who doesn’t have a favorite song by the Beatles. These are all reasons that they should be respected and upheld as an important entity in the history of music. However, these assertions do nothing to substantiate the wholly fatuous and hyperbolic contention that the Beatles “are the fathers of rock”.

And thats where Led Zeppelin comes in.

Rock and metal have both branched out into sprawling, far reaching sub-genre trees; beneath the over-arching umbrella of these two catagories is a whole myriad of various and diversified coefficient subsidiary genres, some of which have their own sub genres. And yet its virtually impossible to find a strain of modern rock/metal which hasn’t ultimately found its roots to Zeppelin. They’ve directly impacted the spawning and growth of music from all across the spectrum, everything from classically-styled mellow folk rock the likes of Comus to blasting thrash metal in the form of Godsmack or Pantera, to the immensely intricate harmonics and complex time signatures of progressive metal such as Symphony X or the aforementioned Dream Theater, or even some of the most extreme manifestations of the genre such as death metal giant Opeth. All of these groups have either directly cited at least a portion of their integral style influence from Zeppelin, or have made it flagrantly obvious in their music. It should also be noted that Eddie van Halen regards Jimmy Page as his inspirational muse for the popularization of double-handed fretboard tapping, which has so drastically and astronomically warped the musical landscape.

I’ll openly admit, however blasphemous it may be to suggest, that I’m not the biggest Led Zeppelin fan, this is almost entirely due to Robert Plant’s “lyrical rambling” style, which can become positively annoying at times. But I am certainly a fan, I recognize their unquestionable talent and technical virtuosity, and Kashmir remains as one of my all-time favorite songs, a flawless masterpiece of rock and in my opinion the band’s magnum opus. It is my firm and unwavering conviction that they are the single most influential musical outfit of the last century, without them rock, and consequently heavy metal as we know it simply would not exist; essentially every contemporary rock/metal band in one way or another traces their genealogy back to Zeppelin, an expansive and timeless sphere of influence that may only be seconded by Rush.

So I’m not in the least surprised about the meteoric fervor generated over their O2 gig last night, their first performance in 27 years. The concert was in support of the great late Turkish-American (I’m half-Turkish myself, so naturally I’m just bursting with pride) former founder and president of Atlantic Records, Ahmet Ertegun, an entrepreneurial mastermind and a human monument to the proof and reality that is the American dream success story. From what it looks like in the embedded bootlegged video, it was a fantastic show, they sounded great even after all these years in dormancy, and they even got Foreigner’s Jason Bonham, son of the original drummer and tragically deceased John Bonham to fill up the position, thus symbolically re-creating the original band roster in name. Quite an impressive setlist as well:

1. “Good Times Bad Times”
2. “Ramble On” (live debut)
3. “Black Dog”
4. “In My Time of Dying”
5. “For Your Life” (live debut)
6. “Trampled Under Foot”
7. “Nobody’s Fault but Mine”
8. “No Quarter”
9. “Since I’ve Been Loving You”
10. “Dazed and Confused”
11. “Stairway to Heaven”
12. “The Song Remains the Same”
13. “Misty Mountain Hop”
14. “Kashmir”

Encore:

1. “Whole Lotta Love”
2. “Rock and Roll”

Reportedly one attendee spent over $180,000 for a pair of tickets, thats rather insane (is he obscenely rich or a fanatic to a scale that would put Al Qaida to shame?), but nonetheless hopefully it’ll convince Zeppelin to finally go on a reunion tour, which Page recently said may very well transpire.

Whatever happens, the music will never die. Long live Rock, long live Metal, long live Led.

Keep it prog.