This week was actually a bit thin in vulgar displays of mediocrity, so I’ll attempt the impossible and endeavor to be brief.

And this week’s non-dietary biggest losers are…

1. Hillary Clinton- Guess who? Doesn’t take an adept honing of clairvoyant prescience to forsee this repugnant shrew’s continued presence on the list week after week. This time its for exercising the raw temerity required to sustain her long-decomposed campaign, a sorry spectacle that has trespassed beyond the mere realm of the pathetically amusing to the outright revoltingly nauseating. Its gotten to the point where even the most servile liberal stooge is sickened at the sight of her, and the proliferation of Clintonian conspiracy theories in the mass media has become commonplace, speculating as to the covert agenda underlying the demented hillbilly couples escapades actually means.

Its a virtual mathematical impossibility that Clinton’s sordid vie for power will succeed. The only possible campaign failsafe measure she has yet to dispense, the so-called “nuclear option”, entails the flagrantly fraudulent, undemocratic, mafia-esque usurpation of the nomination through two equally unbelievably brazen and opportunistic politicking vehicles.

First, she seeks to steal the crown by means of rendering the delegates of Michigan and Florida, two states who’s delegates she had already affirmed should not be counted in accordance with the admittedly skewed and convoluted rules of the DNC, thereby completely disenfranchising Obama’s stake in the race as he had actually followed the rules and dropped out of both states; as one might have guessed his conniving antagonist by comparison did not and defaulted as victor in both states, keeping their votes as last resort secret weapons for her darkest hour, a moment like this. This is blatant and shameless circumvention of the party establishment, and if the unthinkable happened and she actually achieved her objective of banking in on her asset states, the Democratic leadership really ought to give themselves of a serious flogging for being the most incompetent bueaucratic goons on the face of the planet, as if they hadn’t already long deserved such a dishonor.

Secondly, and even more viciously, Clinton seeks to coerce the remaining “superdelegates” (I mean really, isn’t this a hilarious little formulation? Since when has a political minion ever been “super” at anything, let alone a Democratic minion?) whom haven’t already pledged their allegiance to Obama, and thus their respective constituencies that voted for them, and conscript them as prostituted Clintonites. Some believe that Hillary “wouldn’t go there”, that she knows full well that snatching away Obama’s rightfully-earned nomination would generate a political cabal and internecine implosion of unprecedented proportions, but these people are just naive. This insidious bitch will do anything to get herself and her boorish hubby back into the White House to play president again, even if their party, let alone their country, goes up in flames in the process.

In any case, both of these avenues of conspiratorial political ascension will most definitely fail, Howard Dean might be an insufferable progressivist idiot, but he knows where to cross the line. The Democrats aren’t quite stupid enough to allow the carpet to be torn under them, Clinton’s campaign is on life-support its condition will continue to disintegrate until it flatlines in a couple of weeks.

So this begs the question, why is Hillary still running? There are only two possible scenarios one could envisage to answer this question:

a. The Dick Morris Perspective- She doesn’t care the least about 08′ or the chances of a Democrat in the Oval Office this year. She knows full well she won’t be able to win, and is only in it for the mortifying prospects of an astrologically apocalyptic 2012 candidacy. She actually wants Obama to lose, so that McCain will wear out the next four years and step down in old age, leaving a void for incumbency allowing for her to launch a new, re-invigorated campaign. To this end, she will mercilessly propagandize against Obama, operating as a secret McCain proxy political machine, solidifying his electoral probability and thus ensuring her spot on a 2012 ticket. This theory is actually relatively salient, on one hand you would think that the Clintons aren’t smart or patient enough for such long-term political warfare. Then again, you can’t see anything past a Clinton.

b. The Lunacy Perspective- The years of cerebral and psychological denigration have finally reached their climax, all tethers to reality have completely dissolved, she’s descended into the rifts of total delusion and madness. Facts, statistics, reason, rationality, these basic pieces of cognitive equipment have been completely relenquished in exchange for complete and utter subscription to egomaniacal drive, attainment of all wildest dreams by any means necessary, even if it results in self-annihilation and the annihilation of all misfortunate enough to be caught in the crossfire. This is a very likley scenario.

Whatever the case turns out to be, hell, maybe its a combination of the two, Hillary Clinton remains an abject failure.

2. Stephen King- Ahh, what a guy. I’m somewhat reticent in completely unloading on the fellow, because I can’t deny he’s written a couple marvels amongst the rank sea of mock and the two-dimensional bargain-bin airport literature piffle. The Stand, The Dark Tower, IT, amongst a couple others, stand as superb feats of the English language, the man should be recognized for it; they almost compensate for the aforementioned sea of linguistic waste he churns out every couple months.

However. prior creative achievement does not exculpate one from expressing inexcusably abhorrent and repulsive political commentary today. Video has been leaked of King speaking to a high school at some sort of public speaking circuit seminar, regurgitating one of the most dumbfoundingly vile leftist cultural axioms ever conceived: that joining the army is for illiterate drop-outs and deadbeats. This is a conventional idiom of the left, that those dressed in uniform are somehow brutish uncultured phonetically-disabled phillistines compared to the high-brow sophistication of the liberal intellectual corpus.

Now, I have to say, there are few ideas more scurrilously obscene and uncouth and profanely reprehensible than that which professes the desecration and defamation of the names of the bravest human beings on the face of this planet, people whom allow their bodies to be the target of the most severe of natural elements and barbarity the planet has to offer, all for the preservation of the inherent right of equal human dignity and freedom the world over; freedom which is enjoyed by sniveling, sneering, latte-lapping, impotent intellectuals the likes of King, slobbering Nation-subscribing sophisticated nihilists whom spit on the name of the unthanked benefactors who tirelessly grant them such rights.

The notion that people as tremendous and impressive and the United States Army and Navy are being impugned by vapidly inconsequential authorial hacks who don’t have the brains to wield a writing pen correctly most of the time, let alone the fortitude to suit up against foreign militants in defense of liberty, is just sickening to the core, and what’s worse, is that its been adorned with the mantle of legitimacy by mainstream figures in the liteary community. For casting his lot with these savages, King is most certainly a failure of the worst dye.

And that’s that. See you next week, keep on succeeding everyone.

(Oh, and of course, a very happy Mother’s Day to all those whom deserved it. So of course Hillary is exempted from such an honor, I’m afraid.)