This week was actually a bit thin in vulgar displays of mediocrity, so I’ll attempt the impossible and endeavor to be brief.

And this week’s non-dietary biggest losers are…

1. Hillary Clinton- Guess who? Doesn’t take an adept honing of clairvoyant prescience to forsee this repugnant shrew’s continued presence on the list week after week. This time its for exercising the raw temerity required to sustain her long-decomposed campaign, a sorry spectacle that has trespassed beyond the mere realm of the pathetically amusing to the outright revoltingly nauseating. Its gotten to the point where even the most servile liberal stooge is sickened at the sight of her, and the proliferation of Clintonian conspiracy theories in the mass media has become commonplace, speculating as to the covert agenda underlying the demented hillbilly couples escapades actually means.

Its a virtual mathematical impossibility that Clinton’s sordid vie for power will succeed. The only possible campaign failsafe measure she has yet to dispense, the so-called “nuclear option”, entails the flagrantly fraudulent, undemocratic, mafia-esque usurpation of the nomination through two equally unbelievably brazen and opportunistic politicking vehicles.

First, she seeks to steal the crown by means of rendering the delegates of Michigan and Florida, two states who’s delegates she had already affirmed should not be counted in accordance with the admittedly skewed and convoluted rules of the DNC, thereby completely disenfranchising Obama’s stake in the race as he had actually followed the rules and dropped out of both states; as one might have guessed his conniving antagonist by comparison did not and defaulted as victor in both states, keeping their votes as last resort secret weapons for her darkest hour, a moment like this. This is blatant and shameless circumvention of the party establishment, and if the unthinkable happened and she actually achieved her objective of banking in on her asset states, the Democratic leadership really ought to give themselves of a serious flogging for being the most incompetent bueaucratic goons on the face of the planet, as if they hadn’t already long deserved such a dishonor.

Secondly, and even more viciously, Clinton seeks to coerce the remaining “superdelegates” (I mean really, isn’t this a hilarious little formulation? Since when has a political minion ever been “super” at anything, let alone a Democratic minion?) whom haven’t already pledged their allegiance to Obama, and thus their respective constituencies that voted for them, and conscript them as prostituted Clintonites. Some believe that Hillary “wouldn’t go there”, that she knows full well that snatching away Obama’s rightfully-earned nomination would generate a political cabal and internecine implosion of unprecedented proportions, but these people are just naive. This insidious bitch will do anything to get herself and her boorish hubby back into the White House to play president again, even if their party, let alone their country, goes up in flames in the process.

In any case, both of these avenues of conspiratorial political ascension will most definitely fail, Howard Dean might be an insufferable progressivist idiot, but he knows where to cross the line. The Democrats aren’t quite stupid enough to allow the carpet to be torn under them, Clinton’s campaign is on life-support its condition will continue to disintegrate until it flatlines in a couple of weeks.

So this begs the question, why is Hillary still running? There are only two possible scenarios one could envisage to answer this question:

a. The Dick Morris Perspective- She doesn’t care the least about 08′ or the chances of a Democrat in the Oval Office this year. She knows full well she won’t be able to win, and is only in it for the mortifying prospects of an astrologically apocalyptic 2012 candidacy. She actually wants Obama to lose, so that McCain will wear out the next four years and step down in old age, leaving a void for incumbency allowing for her to launch a new, re-invigorated campaign. To this end, she will mercilessly propagandize against Obama, operating as a secret McCain proxy political machine, solidifying his electoral probability and thus ensuring her spot on a 2012 ticket. This theory is actually relatively salient, on one hand you would think that the Clintons aren’t smart or patient enough for such long-term political warfare. Then again, you can’t see anything past a Clinton.

b. The Lunacy Perspective- The years of cerebral and psychological denigration have finally reached their climax, all tethers to reality have completely dissolved, she’s descended into the rifts of total delusion and madness. Facts, statistics, reason, rationality, these basic pieces of cognitive equipment have been completely relenquished in exchange for complete and utter subscription to egomaniacal drive, attainment of all wildest dreams by any means necessary, even if it results in self-annihilation and the annihilation of all misfortunate enough to be caught in the crossfire. This is a very likley scenario.

Whatever the case turns out to be, hell, maybe its a combination of the two, Hillary Clinton remains an abject failure.

2. Stephen King- Ahh, what a guy. I’m somewhat reticent in completely unloading on the fellow, because I can’t deny he’s written a couple marvels amongst the rank sea of mock and the two-dimensional bargain-bin airport literature piffle. The Stand, The Dark Tower, IT, amongst a couple others, stand as superb feats of the English language, the man should be recognized for it; they almost compensate for the aforementioned sea of linguistic waste he churns out every couple months.

However. prior creative achievement does not exculpate one from expressing inexcusably abhorrent and repulsive political commentary today. Video has been leaked of King speaking to a high school at some sort of public speaking circuit seminar, regurgitating one of the most dumbfoundingly vile leftist cultural axioms ever conceived: that joining the army is for illiterate drop-outs and deadbeats. This is a conventional idiom of the left, that those dressed in uniform are somehow brutish uncultured phonetically-disabled phillistines compared to the high-brow sophistication of the liberal intellectual corpus.

Now, I have to say, there are few ideas more scurrilously obscene and uncouth and profanely reprehensible than that which professes the desecration and defamation of the names of the bravest human beings on the face of this planet, people whom allow their bodies to be the target of the most severe of natural elements and barbarity the planet has to offer, all for the preservation of the inherent right of equal human dignity and freedom the world over; freedom which is enjoyed by sniveling, sneering, latte-lapping, impotent intellectuals the likes of King, slobbering Nation-subscribing sophisticated nihilists whom spit on the name of the unthanked benefactors who tirelessly grant them such rights.

The notion that people as tremendous and impressive and the United States Army and Navy are being impugned by vapidly inconsequential authorial hacks who don’t have the brains to wield a writing pen correctly most of the time, let alone the fortitude to suit up against foreign militants in defense of liberty, is just sickening to the core, and what’s worse, is that its been adorned with the mantle of legitimacy by mainstream figures in the liteary community. For casting his lot with these savages, King is most certainly a failure of the worst dye.

And that’s that. See you next week, keep on succeeding everyone.

(Oh, and of course, a very happy Mother’s Day to all those whom deserved it. So of course Hillary is exempted from such an honor, I’m afraid.)

Not quite as much failure-fodder for this week, but let’s get at it.

And this week’s non-dietary biggest losers are…

1. Jack Thompson- I’ve already thoroughly berated this ignominious miscreant, and while he doesn’t deserve this, I’ll go ahead and give him a reprieve and not exacerbate my onslaught any further, for now. If you wish to read my crucifixion of this primate in all its vengeful verbosity, I direct you to the aptly titled editorial below this one.

2. The Online Liberal Community- Isn’t it repulsively ironic how the left fancies itself the last bastion of “freedom of speech” against the evil “right-wing fascists”? Isn’t it disgustingly amusing that the left has adorned itself with the mantle of the First Amendment’s ever-vigilant defender, yet has consistently proven itself as the greatest force against free speech in existence?

Case in point: Hillary Clinton this week sat down to a heated interrogation by Bill O’Reilly. Now, full disclosure, I’m not exactly the world’s biggest O’Reilly fan, but I harbor no particular animus towards the guy. Sure, he’s pretty goofy and periodically expresses incredibly stupid-sounding and asinine sentiments, but ultimately he’s a solid guy with his heart in the right place and often actually does “tell it how it is”. He’s considered some sort of monstrous neo-Nazi by liberals, yet its quite evident upon mild inquiry that most of his vicious detractors have never even watched his show, thus is the depth of liberal objectivity and openness.

So, I was actually somewhat impressed that Hillary mustered the fortitude to agree to an engagement with O’Reilly, in so doing becoming the first active Democratic presidential candidate to ever do so; all the rest were too mired leftist allegiance, or outright cowardly to enter the bear’s, or as Colbert might say, “Papa Bear’s” den. Undoubtedly the barrage of unrestrained and penetrating questioning Clinton was subjected to constituted one of her most tense and scrutinizing moments in the televised spotlight since the Lewinsky debacle. Of course the interview was muddled by O’Reilly’s idiosyncratic silly and bumbling showman posturings, but as an aggregate whole it was quite refreshing seeing Clinton actually being called out as a fraud, at least tangentially, on national television, its about damn time.

But now the leftist blogosphere is generating a clamorous and acrimonious din of tremendous proportions; they already revile Clinton because she’s not their ideal anarchist peacenik, but appearing on O’Reilly? That’s just a bridge too far, the left is fully content with Obama having a cup of tea with Ahmadinejad, but appearing on the Fox News Channel is just an appalling an inexcusable political gesture: the left does have its standards.

Its a complete disgrace that our culture has deescalated to the point where the flagrant fascists that make up the core of the American liberal political faction have been granted the wholly undeserved aegis of “champions of free speech”. Clearly, they only uphold the constitutional right to free expression as long as it complies with their perverted and demagogic creed of masochism, statism and unmitigated debauchery. NewsCorp is the most powerful and successful media platform on the face of the planet, and happens to have a relatively conservative/libertarian gravitation, although far less punctuated than David Brock might want people to believe, not to mention the fact that Fox is much less conservative than the New York Times or MSNBC is liberal. The crux of the matter is that Fox is a widely-subscribed and fully legitimate news outfit with scholarly contributors as diverse and representative of the whole spectrum as could be imaginable; everyone from Walid Phares to Juan Williams to Andrew McCarthy to Geraldine Ferraro regularly opines on FNC, a spectacle that could never transpire on any other network. Its a serious group, and while the slogan is annoyingly over-emphasized in the bumpers, Fox is actually “fairly well-balanced”, far more so than the competition in any case.

But ultimately it bears a right-leaning tilt, contrary to the tide of openly liberal media outlets spewing garbled Democratic party babble incessantly. And since its a deviant opinion inverse their own, liberals abhor it, they can’t stand it, it revolts them to the core. They admonish it with scary pseudo-intellectual post-modernistic jingoisms the likes of “Orwellian fascists” and “neocon Nazis” and the rest, wistfully unaware of the staggering, hypocritical irony underlining every word of their infantile diatribes. So now they brutally lampoon HIllary for having the blind audacity of frolicking with the “enemy”, declaring that she has now earned their permanent reproach and will never again receive their “crucial” political support. Further, and more detestable they exhort, nay, catagorically demand that Obama not even enter the proximity of Fox News headquarters, lest he wishes to suffer their godlike wrath.

These totallitarian thugs would actually be something to fear and reckon with if they actually wielded any power. Luckily, monkeys aren’t menaces, they can throw crap at you but it doesn’t mean it deals any damage. If the most political traction one can wield is leaving vulgar and sophomoric toilet-trash comments on laughable online tabloids like the Huffington Post and DailyKos, then these people truly are absolute failures.

3. Barack Obama- America’s perception of this man has undergone a total metamorphosis the past several months that has been nothing short of remarkable. He first broke onto the scene as a total invisible man who’s principles, values, objectives and motivations were completely unknown and concealed from the public eye. Those of us whom had inquired into his background were not terribly consoled by what we found; a spiritual advisor whom was not only a fundamentalist theocrat and radical leftist, but also a figurehead of the despicable, socially-regressive scam racket that is the industry of black victimhood, weird ties with unscrupulous figures ranging from unrepentant 60s’ domestic terrorists to Louis Farrakhan. His extremely slim Senate record was characterized by undifferentiated hard liberalism exemplifying one of the most adamant, unapologetic, basically extremist proponents of abortion, anti-second amendment and anti-military legislation in American history. He was a master at driveling incredibly didactic, transparent platitudes and piffle to profoundly credulous and servile masses, and to some of us this suspicious international man of mystery seemed to be a well-contrived political insurgent; a faceless Orwellian progressive fascist in disguise, and it distressed us that apparently no one had the critical-reasoning cerebral faculties agile enough to pierce through this fellow’s elaborate ruse.

But now, after an over-extended and simmering political campaign, most, if not all of Obama’s shielding bubble of messianic anachronicity has all but evaporated. What was once to most a handsome political outsider,a visionary exuding with charismatic flair and promising a campaign of hope and change and a whole assortment of other fluffily meaningless adjectives is now an insufferable panderer and devious rhetorical craftsman who’ll endeavor tirelessly to manufacture a whole mesh of lies, red herrings and quasi-philosophical rubbish to masquerade the truth to his own liking.

When the facts about Obama’s unsavory theological upbringing came to surface in the mass media, seriously offending and alarming most Americans, Obama elected prudent not to apologize for his crass recklessness and ignorance and incompetence for allowing himself to be the suppliant of such grossly reprehensible dogmatic filth for 20 years, nor to reprimand his pastor for spewing such rancid and vitriolic invective about his country. No, instead Obama seized the opportunity to initiate a silly little “race relations” speech, thereby exalting himself as the supreme authority on race in America and completely oscillating the dynamics of the political atmosphere from public recognition of his racist anti-American religious education to more monotonous preachy moralisms. Obama charged that to condemn Jeremiah Wright would be to “condemn the black community”, by implication expressing the outright untruth that Wright was a singular representative of all African Americans. He further went on to say that “I can no more condemn Jeremiah Wright than I could condemn my white grandmother”, thereby actually personifying the old adage that “politicians are so sleazy the’d actually sell out their grandmothers as vehicles for political expediency”, a saying that is often proliferated by never actually demonstrated; no politician has yet been such an unbelievable fraud to do such a thing, that is until Barack Obama.

It would have seemed as though Obama had escaped from the snares of his shadowy past, as the American populace’s transient memory and susceptibility to fabulist intellectual superficialities began to take its toll and his poll numbers began to creep back up; he must have smiled smugly to himself “I’m so clever, I fooled these bumpkins again”.

That is until the Wright firestorm was rekindled last week when the retired racketeer began his speaking tour, evidently intended to “set the record straight” in response to the media taking his sermons “out of context”. What followed was not only the regurgitation of the same slobbering ravings we had all become accustomed to, but also the immensely curious charge that Obama was “just a politician”, and didn’t actually take dispute with any of Wright’s preachments, and only attempted to create distance between himself and his church as a political maneuver. Now this remark finally angered Obama, triggering him to recite an unbelievably artificial and disingenuous load of dribble, even my his own mediocre standards, flatly denouncing Wright’s statements.

This, beyond all else, most emphatically crystallizes Obama’s persona as a phenomenally adept and obsequious practioner of political duplicity, distortion and open deception; there are third-tier used car lot supervisors deserving of more credibility than this wholesale charlatan. What kind of unabashed, egomaniacal mendacity is this distasteful political mafia-boss equipped with that he thinks he can get away with neglecting to rightfully ostracize and in fact exculpating from villification an insane religious zealot and traitor the likes of Jeremiah Wright one moment, and then indignantly lambasting him another after he gets called out for being a crafty politician who doesn’t espouse any substantive positions or principles and simply does what he does because it is expedient for him to do so? There was no evolution in Wright’s rantings, they remained essentially the same, if even a bit tamed; was Obama impelled to make his shallow denunciations only after being personally insulted? Afro-centrism and unapologetically anti-American noise is acceptable as long as Obama’s sensibilities aren’t personally infringed upon? What happened to all that drivel about “attacking Wright would be tantamount to attacking black people, or my grandma”, so is Obama now prepared to give granny in Hawaii a flogging over the phone?

It is cosmically ironic that the charge that sunk the final rusty nail into Obama’s legitimacy’s tombstone happened to be one of the few expressions of truth uttered by Jeremiah Wright; that indeed Barack Obama is a typical, ideally-schizophrenic political engineer whom simply aligns himself with whatever or whomever is most useful to him at any given time for his means of achieving electoral supremacy. For all this, Obama is definitively a failure.

That’s a wrap. Keep the stupid coming guys.