Sometimes I wonder, when an evengelical lobbyist indignantly utters some inane and patently ludicrous charge against someone or other on television, or when a Catholic racketeer babbles on about some self-concocted injustice or imagined societal scapegoat, all famed within a moon-faced demeanour just lucid with a squalid, undeserved sense of accomplishment, I wonder, are they really to blame? Is it their fault? Are the slobbering goons on the Christian right physically capable of higher cerebral contemplation? Do they posess the cranial capacities for non-conformist thought or probing exercises in intellectual-delving, free inquiry, objectivist comparative analysis?

I seriously ponder, as they blathering charlatans and profiteers sputter about on their bully pulpits to their compliantly unthinking masses ripe with credulity, as they indiscriminately pontificate undiluted lies about people and idealogies of which they know nothing about, is it all rooted within a physical impediment? Is it a case of mental impairment that causes these dogmatic fools to say, be completely ungrasping on the abstract literary concept of irony?

This appears to be the only logical solution to the astronomically preposterous reactions the film adaptation of Phillip Pullman’s timeless overture to the His Dark Materials trilogy, The Golden Compass, has elicited from the usual suspects of the Bible Belt Brigade. The unscrupulous and ridiculous spectacle of a human being that is Catholic League president Bill Donohue has organized a boycott of the film, claiming that it seeks to undermine religious values and is essentially a heretical instrument of evil. This is to be expected, but whats more interesting is the reaction from United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, which suggested that, in lieu of a preferred boycott, good, intellectually nurturing Catholic parents can “talk through any thorny philosophical issues”.

Now, these preachments simply beg the question: are these regressivist Catholic scam artists mentally incapable of ironic perception, or are they fully aware of the implications of their words, and are actually intending to emulate the fascistic, demagogic theocratic magnate the Magisterium whom seeks to abolish every last spark of inquisatorial thought or scholastic independence that threatens to break their hegemonic stranglehold on the minds of their beleagured and brainwashed populous, which is all depicted in the fantasy canon they are shamelessly attempting to censor?

The former is perfectly comedic, the optimal recipe for a delicious realpolitik farce, the latter truly insidious and horrifyingly sinister, yet requiring a degree of intellectual aptitude that these hate-mongering propagandists are obviously not equipped with, although it would appear that the revolting Ann Coulter is actually attempting to mirror the life of the series fictional villain of the same name, Marisa Coulter. If this demented aspiration is intentional, she’s succeeding in this regard, and I certainly wouldn’t see such an sociopathic stunt past the deranged Christianist broad.

I’ve seen the film, and its quite a marvelous piece of work. The CGI effects are just pristinely gorgeous and exumed artistic mastery, the all-star cast acted with commendable virtuosity, and the performance of the young newcomer Dakota Blue Richards in the protagonist role was especially impressive. As the antithesic inverse corollary to C.S. Lewis’ distinctly Christian Narnia series, its rather fitting that this film was quantum leaps and bounds ahead of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe film in every aspect. I’d even go as far as to say its in many ways on par, if not superior to The Fellowship of the Ring, and that is quite a magnificent feat to accomplish.

The film contained no overt mention of religious organizations or dogmatisms, contrary to the books from which it is based, wherein the secularist argument is explicit and unconcealed in its message and sharpness. Some groups uncompromisingly faithful to the original works have criticised the film rendition for its dilution of the declaratively pronounced anti-religiosity agenda, and I can understand these charges.

However, considering that New Line was running on a hefty $180 million budget, and the film was to be fashioned in such a way that it could be appreciated by children and the populous at large as a financial blockbuster, it can be forgiven that some of its more fierce literary components were toned down. But its a wholly fatuous proposition to suggest that the film relenquished the anti-religious tradition of its namesake; it just pursued it in a more incipient, subtle, philosophical way, juxtaposing the ideals of free choice and free thought with unquestioning obedience and suspension of disbelief, all cerebral vibrations which, while not overtly framed in the language of secularism, undoubtably gravitate children towards the ideals of reason and inquiry versus totallitarian mysticism. Director Chris Weitz also stressed his ambition that the film will inspire children to go read the books, another thing the Bible-bashing baboon spear-chuckers should be concerned about, and something the secularist corps should be positively ecstatic about. While I know some on our side are frustrated over some of the cuts, in the long run the release and success of this film is a great victory for the good cause.

Well, The Golden Compass was #1 at the box-office opening weekend, making it one of the most successful advertisements for an unapologetic anti-theocratic manifesto in recent memory, to the furious decries of the religious right. But thats such an over-used term, “religious right”, perhaps we can be more creative?

In the His Dark Materials canon, we actually exist in an infinite multi-verse, spanning an endless ocean of paralell universes. So ostensibly, the same entities exist throughout the worlds, with variations, but ultimately based off the same principle templates. So that being said, let it be hereby resolved and pronounced throughout the lands….

DOWN WITH THE MAGISTERIUM!